


Monopoly

by knockout_mouse



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Board Games, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Monopoly (Board Game), Team Bonding, Team Fluff, an insult to all good and self respecting ferengi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23168308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knockout_mouse/pseuds/knockout_mouse
Summary: Quark introduces the old Human board game "Monopoly" to the DS9 crew, who are completely overwhelmed to their first exposure to true capitalist greed in all it's pastel-papered glory. Between Quark's capitalism, Federation socialism, and Cardassian communism, who will win?
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Odo/Quark (Star Trek)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 117





	Monopoly

**Author's Note:**

> This was directly inspired by a twitter thread about just how much Star Trek characters love playing board games (because if you've got all of space and time to explore why not spend your free time playing 3d chess, right?). I loved this particular idea and ran with it.
> 
> Twitter post inspiration: https://mydeardr.tumblr.com/post/612671870908661760 
> 
> I love feedback and comments to know how I'm doing with my writing. And of course all kudos are appreciated too! First work for this fandom so uhh mind the plot holes and inconsistencies on your way in.

"Wait, so this is from a couple hundred years ago? Back on Earth?" Bashir pointed to the box, taking a skeptical swig of his drink.

Quark didn't know why he bothered with Hu-mans. The entire lot of them could fit the sum total of their common sense in-between one pair of Ferengi ears. He smirked and picked the colorful box up, shaking it about as its contents clacked inside, "Do you think if this was vintage I wouldn't have already sold it to a collector for a premium? I found some plans for it and had the replicator make a copy."

Dax squinted at the title splashed across the top and shrugged, "Okay, I'll bite. What are the rules?"

Quark grinned, grabbing the game and rushing around past the bar to where an empty table waited. Bashir and Dax followed, taking the seats opposite him.

Really, he didn't know why he hadn't thought of this sooner. Hu-mans, especially Federation ones, were near hopeless when it came to understanding the true joys of commerce, and he'd almost given up on all but the smuggling ones. But he'd also observed that, like any other race likely to come through his doors, Hu-mans loved games. They also had the annoying habit of injecting educational or moral lessons into those games, if his nephew's classes were any indication. So, perhaps this game would finally get the Hu-mans (and Trill while he was at it) to understand a Ferengi point of view. Which would lead to more commerce, which would lead to more profits...

"So, we buy these... squares?" Bashir tilted his head, a paper set of directions in hand, "And then we make people pay us money when they land on that square, and also there's trains involved?"

"Ooh, I wonder if I can send you to jail, Julian." Dax smiled mischievously, tapping at the little policeman in one of the corners. Bashir gaped at it, then went back to reading the instructions with increasing confusion.

"The point of the game is to come out on top with the most money." Quark said.

"I can't imagine how this game would be fun for you then." Dax grinned. She upturned the box so the little metal tokens fell out. She immediately picked up the little dog one and made it prance along the edge of the board.

"It says here the objective is to make all the other players go bankrupt." Bashir read aloud, apparently appalled at the idea. This was going to take a lot of learning for the poor man if he was balking at such the simple satisfaction of squeezing every last dollar out of one's opponents. Quark sighed and shook his head, grabbing the moneybag token (hey, he might as well try that whole Speak Your Desires Into Existence thing Leeta had been talking about), and then gestured for Bashir to pick his own. The doctor had barely set the instructions down before the chair beside Quark screeched back and a certain Cardassian tailor invited himself to sit.

"Ooh, what are we playing today, my dear Doctor? When you said you wanted to have lunch at Quarks with the lovely Jadzia, I had not envisioned a board game along with it."

" _You_ aren't playing anything, and I am busy explaining this game to my customers." Quark said.

Garak blinked at him, "And just as I was about to order, what a shame. If you would prefer I leave–."

"No, no, that's fine." Quark said, signaling to Rom across the room to take Garak's order. He'd originally intended only to teach the Hu-mans the game, but a Cardassian... that could certainly make things interesting.

When everyone settled with their drinks and chosen tokens (Bashir choosing the snazzy race car and Garak picking the thimble), they started a test round, going through each rule as they encountered one. It didn't take long to see the curious expressions on the Hu-man and Trill faces turn a tad strained. Garak, on the other hand, had put a polite smile on his face from the very beginning and it hadn't moved a bit.

It was obvious that Quark was going to win the first game, and probably every game after, but that wasn't what seemed to be stressing his opponents.

"Penny for your thoughts, Doctor?" Garak piped up. His gaze hadn't left Bashir's face for the past minute.

Bashir looked up, startled, then gestured to the board, "I mean, I knew human capitalism was a contorted system, I just... suppose I never realized the extent of it. I feel awful forcing you all to pay me money just because you _happened_ to land on one of my squares. And what is even the point of randomly sending people to jail?"

"Ask Odo, I'm sure he gets a kick out of doing it." Quark said. He turned to Garak, teeth glinting, "That will be $300."

Garak stared at him, smile unmoving as he reached over and grabbed a few colorful slips of paper and set them in front of Quark. Quark quickly turned to look elsewhere, shuffling the new bills into his current pile, and chuckled in a way that he hoped didn't sound nervous. The game then moved on to the next player, and within a few more rounds it became evident that nobody was going to be beating Quark any time soon.

Bashir stretched, glancing over at the time on a nearby screen, "Well, I believe I'll be needing to get back to the infirmary, can't stay on break for too long."

Garak stood with him, brushing off invisible dust from his sleeve, "I quite concur. Thank you Quark, it was a very insightful afternoon. Perhaps some time I can bring a Cardassian board game in as part of this cultural exchange."

Dax tilted her head towards him, "Not a fan of human capitalism, Garak?"

"Oh, it's a perfectly decent game, Commander, I rather enjoyed the strategy of it. I'm merely suggesting we all get to learn a little more about each other." Garak somehow made his smile appear wider, and turned to accompany Bashir out the door, before mentioning over his shoulder, "Although, I must admit, the board would look so much better without that criminally distasteful green all over it."

Quark sighed. His plan hadn't worked, and might have even driven the Hu-man farther away. Perhaps, if he could just get them to experience the joys of winning: an addiction just as intoxicating as any drink or gambling table he had in his bar. He would have to intentionally lose, which made his stomach roll over in revulsion, but the money was fake and the potential profit was tantalizing real. Maybe, he could sacrifice one or two games to get the others on his side.

\-------

"Quark!"

The sound of Odo's voice yelling in his general direction had come to instill a Fight or Flight reaction in Quark. More often than not he landed on Freeze, and pasted on his best businessman smile while he waited to see what the Security Officer wanted this time around. Hopefully Odo hadn't found out about that extra shipment of iridium rods because he really, really needed to pad his account before tax season began and having Odo bust a particularly loyal connection would just ruin an already slow day.

"QUARK!"

Quark scowled, "What? I'm in here, just as I always am. Don't know why you have to ask the whole station where I'm at."

Odo turned the corner and stepped in, self-satisfied smirk already locked and loaded. Which meant whatever he thought he had on Quark, he'd already found evidence to prove it. Quark sighed and placed a glass on the counter.

Odo's eyebrows, or at least where they would be if he had them, quirked up, "You know I don't need to drink."

"It's not for you, it's for me." Quark said, "What are you accusing me of now, Odo?"

Odo pulled something from his pocket ( _or his body... folds... how did that actually work?_ ), placing two little metal objects on the counter. It was the boot and top hat tokens from the game. Odo nodded at them, "Care to explain?"

"I guess we must have a very small, metallic visitor onboard our station."

Odo chuckled, "Cute. I know about the games, Quark, I know you're running some kind of new, illicit scheme. According to Commander Dax, you've been trying to, how did she put it? 'Preach the good news of capitalism' to your customers."

"Pfft, it's an old Terran game, nothing more. Just some fun, thought it looked interesting and it'd give my customers something new to play. And even if that was my ulterior motive, it's not illegal to want to expand the knowledge of my fellow station residents. I'm sure the Captain would agree, sharing diverse cultures is what Starfleet is all about."

Odo's eyes narrowed, harrumphing, "Just see that it stays a game."

Quark frowned, "What does that mean?"

Odo shook his head slightly, "Trying to awaken some sort of primal money-hungry desire in humans... you may get more than you bargained for."

Quark grinned, "Thank you for your touching concern. Aaand speaking of bargains, did I mention that we have a special on our holosuite programs this week? Half off if you bring a friend."

"You know very well I don't have _friends_ , Quark." Odo huffed, before marching out.

"You can say that again." Quark muttered under his breath.

\-------

Odo was right. He'd never say it out loud, not under threat of torture or death, but Odo had been right. Exposing the Hu-mans to Monopoly had seemed like a great idea at the beginning. A week into it, he was regretting every second.

"Haha, got ya! Give me $200 beautiful greens, please!" Miles O'Brien said, hands held out in front of Bashir.

The doctor rolled his eyes and placed the money in the outstretched hand, tipping his head in mock indignation, "Just wait till you start landing on my side of the board. Honestly, having to pay for the use of a train line!"

"I got a Community Chest card." Jake said, pulling one off the top and frowning, "$150 to a local school tax. I have to give money to a school?"

Garak watched from over their shoulders, content with commenting on the unfolding drama, "You know, all of these problems could be easily solved if everyone just stayed within their range of economic status. You don't have to pay anyone if you don't move your pawn."

"You _have_ to move your pawn, that's the whole point of the game." O'Brien said.

"Jail again?" Nog scowled, plopping his wheelbarrow down and then sulking back in his chair.

"How about teaming up and all contributing to a common state?" Garak said.

Quark groaned, "You idiots really aren't getting the point of this game, are you?"

"A common state," Jake paused, "And maybe then we could distribute the wealth equally."

"I was thinking you'd fill out the board with equally spread housing, but that could work too." Quark said.

Bashir sat up, "And if we all contribute to water and electricity, then nobody has to pay one person for what should be basic commodities."

"Not using my money, you're not." Nog scowled. Truly, a wonderful boy whom Quark was proud to call his nephew.

"What's all this about?"

Everyone turned to look up at an approaching Captain Sisko, looking mildly amused at the odd group of players. He glanced at the board and nodded, "Ah, Monopoly. Can't say I've seen that game in quite a while. You'd think it would be pretty popular in Starfleet."

"Thank you, Captain." Quark stood up, arms out, "That's what I've been trying to tell them! You'd think it'd be relatively simple to get Hu-mans to understand the thrills of commerce, but every time they play we end up with at least five new systems of government and no one actually earning money!"

Sisko smiled, "I was about to say, it should be popular with Starfleet because the game was originally invented to educate players on the evils of monopolies and capitalism. The whole point of the game is to become frustrated at how easily a few may become vastly wealthy while everyone else eventually ends up destitute."

Quark paled, then felt his ears burn with righteous anger, "The _evils_ of capitalism? Of commerce? What kind of convoluted, sadistic Hu-man insanity is that!" he reached over and slapped the board together, folding it and dropping it back into its box. He then scooped up the tokens and, in perhaps an extra bit of justified rage, flicked the battleship one at Sisko, who caught it deftly and examined it with exaggerated interest.

"I don't know why I bother with you lot." Quark shook his head, "I never had that much trouble with the rest of my customers. Almost got a riot going on the Promenade over who actually laid claim to Park Place, now that was inspirational, but you all," he waved his finger about, "A sorry sight indeed."

As Quark walked away, mumbling under his breath, the rest of the crew exchanged twinkling glances and winks, before Bashir got out the board again and waved Sisko over, "Care to try your luck?"

"Oh I intend to win, Doctor." Sisko grinned.

"Well as long as I get to be the race car, I'm in." O'Brien said.

"But I wanted to be the race car!" Bashir pouted.

"The Captain already took the battleship."

"Actually," Sisko set the ship down and picked up the last figure, a man riding atop a stallion, "I've always preferred the cowboy instead."

Garak slid down into a seat and placed the thimble on Go, "I still think my idea would've been a lot more fun."

"Well the original game did include a version in which everyone gets rewarded any time wealth is created."

"Don't let Quark hear that." Bashir grinned, "Or I think he might just end up in my infirmary with a broken heart."

"And here he was so enchanted with the game." Garak tsked.

"Just make sure he doesn't find out about Settlers of Catan." O'Brien said, "That's one game I actually have a chance of winning as long as he's not playing."

"Next Friday?" Bashir asked.

Sisko placed his cowboy on the board and smiled, "Oh, it's on." And then rolled the dice.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't played Monopoly since I was like 9. Now I remember why I stopped playing it.
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated!


End file.
